LIFE SKILL - BEGINNING AND CLOSING YOUR DAY WITH CONSCIOUS CONNECTION
It is helpful to remember that all of us have our own gifts, wounds, and personal core issues in life. Many times I witness in a person’s life story experiences with a similar element that begin as a challenge and then transform to powerful lessons and expansion. How far we can go in our healing and growth is truly limitless.
Here are a couple of very simple practices that if integrated into your life, can promote a positive outcome. I have seen it to be helpful and effective so many times. It is simply bringing in a conscious connection with yourself or providing a check-in at the start of your day and the end of your day. And it goes like this:
MORNING CHECK IN:
As you wake up, check in with yourself. Do you feel fully rested from the sleep that you had the night before? If that is your sense, extend gratitude and really connect with that refreshed energy and welcome what you can do with that in the new day which is beginning. If on the other hand, if you feel tired and resist having to get out of bed, connect with that in a way that offers compassion. Think of what you can provide for yourself in the day ahead to acknowledge and serve that. Is there a time in your schedule for a 10-20 minute nap/meditation/closing of your eyes? Is there a time in the afternoon for a hot tea and break? If you are able to manifest such a gesture, receive it as self care and self respect.
Then invite something of a spark or fun goal about that day. For example, you could choose to wear a favorite soft sweater or unmatched socks. You could set a goal to make a stranger smile, reach out to someone you have not connected with in a long time, or taste something that you have never tried before. It is not uncommon for it to seem difficult or awkward at first. New habits are not in the brain pattern at the start. Once your creativity gets going, you can find a delightful new connection with yourself and how the day feels for you.
END OF THE DAY CHECK IN
As you lie in bed at night, check in with yourself. See how you did with your goal or choice. If it was a forgotten goal, no judgement or punishment is welcomed. It is just information. Usually that information is that you were really tired, distracted, and maybe tomorrow you could to go with choices such as what to wear or have for breakfast for a while.
Then see if you can find one to three things which you feel grateful for about that day. It could include that you are grateful that you made it through that day. This again is a practice that gets better with time. Gratitude goes a long way and sets the night for good sleep and dreams.
Ideas to invoke reflection:
a new day of life
Welcome today and every day as a new day of life. Just that openness and invitation to yourself is a refreshing beginning. I understand how our history and specifically our wounds from the past can limit our experience and views in the present and the future. I contemplate and invite you to join me in reflecting upon a way to remove that impact and to establish as blank a slate as possible. I feel excitement in my core when I even get a glimpse of opening up to a new day with no, or minimal baggage of fear or inhibition from the days before. And a part of me knows that some people who have walked this earth have manifested an approach to life which aligns with that. I think of stories I've heard about other cultures and tribes who have a very different relationship with time. I think of books, movies, myths, and fairy tales which stir our imaginations of how the limits of time can be released. Back to the Future, A Wrinkle in Time; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe are but of few of such creative expressions. A burst of freedom and openness seem to naturally come with the chains of time being lifted.
Time is that curious concept which has been proven in quantum physics to be an illusion. The very template we have to "picture" time in our current Western Culture is linear and often displayed in two dimensional images. The Mayan calendar was established through a circular pattern. Many Native American Tribes have more three dimensional images of time which invite a more spiral pattern. The relationships that we have with the past, present and future have a significant impact on the emotional sense of life in general. In my clinical experience, I have witnessed many who had become caught in a neurological cycle of re-experiencing times from the past. Flashbacks of past trauma can produce confining nets of fear over the present. I also have seen many who are so apprehensive of what may go wrong in the future, that they figuratively and literally can become paralyzed. Depression and Anxiety can be suffering side effects of a dysfunctional relationship with time. I invite you to consciously develop a new relationship with time.
One skill to start with is both practical and magical. I am in awe of how people can use this skill to perform miracles of transformation in their lives. In simple terms, it is the skill of befriending memories. It is allowing our capacity to expand understanding and create a more holistic story line to serve us in relation to historic events that have a shadowing effect on us. Our natural, neurological and automatic reactions to events which are upsetting and traumatic are limiting. Literally parts of our brain shut down and parts become dominantly activated. When we are activated into a state of alarm, neurologically the amygdala is turned on as our alarm system and that triggers a series of ways in which our brains sets us up to survive. To move from a sense of surviving to a choice of thriving, we need to consciously use other parts of our brain and move beyond an automatic reaction to a mindful response.
Having witnessed many people use this practice is truly one of the greatest treasures in my life experience. I have seen a woman with a history of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse transform a self definition of being damaged goods with no real worth to a very truthful and worthy sense of self as a strong, resilient, wise woman. The story line of being abused, wronged, and wounded was a part of the whole. The focus on a part of the story line as the whole story is a common side effect to ones who have experienced repeated exposure to surviving. Adding other parts of the story to include the neighbor or aunt who offered love, or the determination they had to get out and put themselves through college; and their ability to have a career, be self sufficient, and to have selected a loving partner are often given very little merit or focus in the association of the limited storyline. That example is intentionally very big, but the same approach or pattern can easily apply to a perspective about one's current job, or body image, or the review of the past year. We can easily enlarge the size of what isn't working for us to a proportion that blocks other parts which promote a different view, and a much better emotional sense of things.
The blank slate has room for it all to be honored in the past. It is helpful to remember that when asked if the glass of water is half full or half empty, you can over ride the limitations in which that question is asked. Because the truth is the glass is BOTH. It is half full and half empty. We do not have to pick only part of the whole. It is helpful to remember that which is half empty. That way it is not rapidly consumed, resulting in being completely empty, with no reserve. It is delightful to focus on the half full which promotes a sense of having value and appreciation of that beautiful water. When we learn from what has not worked for us in life, we grow. It allows that transformation of hard times to become something we feel gratitude for. That promotes empowerment. It is a great service to ourselves when we offer grace and understanding with self reflection. Every prior step is required for us to be right where we are. And that allows the present to be more joyful and the future more open. Welcome the wisdom from yesterday. Embrace the new day with open eyes and open heart to all that may be.
LIFE SKILL- HOW WE DEFINE THINGS IS HOW WE EXPERIENCE IT
This life skill is the one that is the most impactful in my experience of counseling. It seems a simple concept but the effects are life changing. Simply put one can define life as miserable or life as delightful. Of course how those definitions are experienced is easily visible. The amazing thing is that there are people whose life by all accounts appear to be abundant and enjoyable, yet they see it and feel it to be not so. We have all seen interviews with people who have such abundance and opportunity but the focus is on “not good enough” or suspicion of wrongfulness surrounding them. Often this choice of life definition is displayed in characters in stories whom are unhappy as a victim or a villain. There are also life accounts which display a person who has endured so much injustice, however, they see and experience such as divine grace and lessons offered in their life story.
The amazing book, The Hero With A Thousand Faces (1949) and the legacy of The Hero’s Journey by Joseph Campbell is an inspiration in the task of consciously defining your own life. It is the ultimate archetype that is universal to all. This concept is displayed in myths, stories, plays, movies, and books over and over. It shows the basic storytelling pattern, with three main parts: departure, initiation, and return. It offers a beautiful insight in how we are all on a journey and we all seek to be the hero of our journey. We all have times of hardship, being lost, and being on our own. We all have times of light, help, and transformation. And we all can see things differently, at different times. The key here is the awareness of the fact that you are the ultimate author of your life story, regardless of what does or does not happen. I say that with absolute compassion and non-judgement of how our writing can be. I also wish to acknowledge that this is another life skill that we are not directly taught. Imagine a world in which there was awareness and encouragement of storytelling skills from early development on. Imagine going through life with the question “why is this happening to me?” to be expressed with sincere inquiry and not a sense of defeat. I have a saying that I use in therapy often because through many life stories I see it so frequently now. The saying is that often what appears to be an obstacle is actually a very personally designed opportunity. Looking at hard times in such a way is not always easy, or even attainable at parts of the process of life. I think it helpful to take these ideas in mind as themes to hold to or reunite with in an ever morphing process of experience and understanding. From there you can b selective of the editing. The concept to not let go of is that you are the author to yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. How the story is told within you has the power of how it will feel.
PRACTICES TO PROMOTE STORYTELLING AWARENESS
*USING ALL OF YOUR DIMENSIONS AS INFORMATION AS TO HOW THE STORY IS GOING
I frequently encourage awareness of the basic four dimensions through which we, as humans, experience life. Those four dimensions being the mind, the body, the emotions, and the Higher Self. The first three are generally understood in a unified sense. When I reference Higher Self, that definition/understanding can vary significantly by individuals. Some align with that to mean a spiritual element or religious based sense of soul. Others align more with that being the general ethical, value based, consciousness state of being. I find it helpful to compartmentalize these dimensions or ways of experiencing life at times, with an overriding knowing that they interweave with each other. It is a beautiful image to envision the tapestry of your mind, body, feelings, and spirit ever changing with colors, textures, and threads.
The body is constantly giving us messages of how life, as we are experiencing it, is impacting the very conduit of life in human form. Our senses, systems, and general health are offering us information all of the time. Once again, we are not taught to really listen to such. The senses of hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling can literally and figuratively inform us of so much more than we generally are aware of. So very briefly and simply, I invite you to open up to a relationship with your body in which you listen to what it is telling you about how you are experiencing your life. Most people can readily identify places in their body which “hold stress.” Also there is often a sense of where the “alarms” in the body are. So welcome and honor those parts to be of great value and information. Whether it be you “feel” upset/alarm in your gut, shoulders, chest; recognize that is your body speaking to you. And when your neck becomes tight for days, offer a meditation that includes all the rest of your body extending love and gratitude to your neck for holding more than it’s share of stress for the whole body. And then look into what the mind has to offer.
The mind is our most difficult to get clarity from. That is because the mind is often the culprit of a poor definition. Inviting an inquiry or even an interview about how things are seeming or being understood to be is a great approach when the body is calling out or the emotions seem down or sensitive (we’ll go to emotions next). So approach the mind as doing the best it can, but it is bombarded with confusing and even conflicting definitions relating to the current life circumstance. It is helpful to understand where there may be associations which are trauma based and literally cutting off/restricting parts of the brain from lighting up. It is also useful to be aware of, with compassion, conditions in the body which impact our thinking capacity. Sleep deprivation, high cortisol and adrenaline, upset stomach and/or lack of healthy eating and exercise are all symptoms of stress/hardship. That physical status impacts our brain capacity also. So explore ways to gently and playfully open up your mind. Journal writing, letters to self (or others that you don’t intend to send), reading or listening to positive focus resources aligned with the current circumstance are great ways to increase your awareness of your definition of what is going on. Those practices also naturally invoke an expansion of the existing understanding. Anytime we expand our view to a more holistic perception, it feels better. Which leads us to feelings.
The emotions we experience are the sharpest mirror of how our understanding is impacting our experience. I understand feelings to come from two general sources. One being the actual event or moment in the present. Those feelings are pure and unaltered. Most of us have memories of a time in which a moment was precious and the feelings so real. There are also times of fear or shock that are remembered with intensity that we don’t forget. There are also just every day moments experienced when we are so present that the feeling is again so pure, it is felt without question. Moments of when something is so funny that the laughter envelopes the moment in a timeless sense is such an example. The other category of feelings, from my account, is when feelings are invoked from thoughts or presentations or reflections of memories. This shows a prominent way in which the mind and emotions interweave and impact each other and our sense of things. I think it is helpful to understand that our emotions from this source, which is not based on being in the now or present moment, is most likely altered through the analysis or reflection. Most people have encountered having a “good time” in now and then later reflected (with self criticism, insecurity, or such) and then felt “bad” about it. That is an example of why it is helpful to understand feelings to come from different sources: being in the now-pure feelings and thought/reflection based-influenced by assessment. I invite you to become more aware of what source your feelings come from. Begin to align more with pure now feelings, which can be easy, delightful, difficult, painful. That part is secondary to this practice. The practice is to become more aware of feeling in the now vs. feelings from the past or concepts presented by others. It is very beneficial to care for yourself with an understanding of both internal and external influences.
Your Higher Self is a great director of this whole process. Welcome direction, wisdom, and self-love that comes from within. Our values and inner knowing are worthy of attention and recognition. Sometimes after looking into the other three dimensions in practices such as noted above, there is a natural bridge to more peaceful self awareness. The journey is hard, crazy, and beautiful. Just as the glass is both half and half empty. Acknowledgement of all that needs such is important. Mindfulness of how it is then defined is imperative. How we define it is how we will experience it.